an obscene amount of alcohol

i swear we are all on the verge of turning into alkies.
drinking way to much for our own good.
dee got pretty happily high
laughing and rolling all over the place
but it was a good fun i guess
though its time to learn that alcohol does not work for me

the mangled body of the poor centipede that found its way into the toilet
had quite good time firing shots at our (not so) innocent victim
yes
the stupid things we do.

the poster is very very badly put together. Surely you can put in more effort than this.
Where is the focus? Why can't there be love to execute better cut-outs?

so well i admit that it wasnt the best piece of work i have ever done.
but to say that i didnt put in enough effort is just plain unfair.
to fail our entire project
well
fuck la. am just speechless okay.
sigh. i really cant afford to fail anymore
am just way fucking screwed.

"i dont want you to do things for me...
i want you to do things with me!"
eva in 'guess who'

i closed my eyes for a moment and its another sunset
time seems to hurry on with its own agenda
pushing unceasing onward along its path
and i have left behind panting and chasing a shadow

some moments i feel almost like a bird with wings
free to soar high into the clouds
and to greet the sun as it kisses the earth
and bathes me in her warm embrace
and i beckon with a welcoming smile.

others, all i see is the darkness
too strong and overwhelming as the weight presses down on my shoulders
and i see the rusted metal chains holding me down
locking me in place on the ground
withing those four empty walls
starring blankly back at me.

thank you for making me smile.

those special nights are always rare
littered sparsely across the calander.
but i guess thats precisely the reason that makes them even more valuable.

for a moment i felt removed from the scene
like detached myself to look in on all of them laughing and screaming
and trying their best to inflict torture on each other
the stupid bitching and scratching
the snide remarks that no one really means
to see every ones faces
hear the cacaphony of voices
and just then
i felt blessed
that i had the privillage of their company
that i had the chance to rant rave and be stupid
and be loved no matter what a bitch i was
no matter my actions or my decisions
they would still be there.
no matter.

and i am grateful.

i cannot even begin to express how relieved i am that this harrowing insanely busy week has come to an end.
to add even more joy to this glorious celebration
i can bask in the knowledge that i do not ever have to touch a DV camera again for the rest of my years in CS and of cos
no more final cut pro HD-
which i swear is close to becoming the bane of my existence.
i was not made out for EBM and this experience has more than engraved that fact in stone and sealed my fate.

203 and 226 left
and then its all over for this sememster.
glorious.
i need a break.

come back home.

happy birthday mel

its been a crazy weekend
despite the fact that it took about every ounch of energy i have
it has left me with enough happy juice to last through this week.
*fingers crossed*
well at least i hope it will last this week is insanely trying with all my projects due
and loads of filming and editing to do.

tracy: promise promise i'll be done soon. ALMOST there.

i need a haircut.
and i desperately need to lose weight and tan.

i wish i could say it doesnt bother me
but it does
its this annoying feeling and emotion that keeps gnawing at me and refuses to go away.
i detest myself for being this way.

i need to watch my surroundings before i shoot my mouth off.
am never ever gonna show my face in front of hedwig again.
argh.
am so totally mortified and embarrassed
at that moment i wished i i could have just dropped over the railing and disappeared

some day when we are older
i might regret my actions or the way that i have lived my life
but i will look back
and there will be some memories that i will smile
and i shall remember that despite all the tears and all the fears
i lived. i laughed. and you made me smile.

you might think it impossible
that the pain is simply just too choking
that the huge gap left is simply just too impossible to fill
the loss to great and tremendous that you dont even know where to start
everything is simply imcomplete
life has lost its meaning cos there is nothing more left to look forward to
its wrenching at your guts
and no matter how many buckets of tears you cry
they dont wash away anything
and nothing changes and its all still the same

but this isnt the end
the first step is the worse
but beyond that there will be light
life was always yours to live
for yourself.
not for anyone else. definitely not for him.
stay strong be strong.

i love you.

am not happy.
i never cared much about my grades
or at least i thought i didnt
but seriously doing shittily does kinda like really suck like hell.
okay so maybe is somehow linked to the fact that its the first time in a bit that this has happened
but argh.
its just to think for all the effort we put in, we would have deserved something more decent.
like you seriously dont just throw three clueless people out into the ocean without directions
they''d most likely just end up helping each other to drown.
and honestly the instructions "produce a 1min30sec" news clip seriously does sound vague
and the entire issue of news has been so hotly debated over that i am sure even you are starting to question
"what really is news."

also, one does not send out an email the night before an assignment is due to tell you that you need to change your story angle and need more interviews and images.
simply because, it would be impossible to complete in the span of a single day!
in the evening no less.
gahh she is infuirating i swear.

a few things to take into consideration.
1) i do not hold a press pass.
as such i would not be allowed to film at various places or to interview any tom dick and harry i would like to speak to.
2) we are students.
as much as you would like to run the course like a press room, we are unable to work on a 24hour deadline or even less to meet the next broadcast.
simply because while being a BJ is your full time job, we have something called classes to attend.
and there is the limitation of transportation and contacts which we have no access to.
3) we are here to learn and be taught.
i know that learning by doing is a great method of teaching
but seriously when its at the expense of my grades and results and much effort time and confusion
i highly doubt that that is one price i am willing to pay.

ARGH.
pissed.

*update
to get back three grades on one day and realise that you failed all
its just fucking depressing.
FUCKING hell.
it just sucks cos i actually put effort into the damn thing.

gloriously stayed home again today.
each day away from that island in boon lay is a gift.
seriously everything has just totally gone by in a whirl
and i have just been so overwhelmed with the amount of work that's ceaselessly pilling up.
this is what is written down on my schedule for tomorrow:
-forensic midterm
-caleb tuition, 4pm
-interview donna, 6pm
-tuition frans, 6pm
- interview philip 5pm
honestly tell me how i am ever gonna be able to pull that off?
staggering under the immense pressure.

did i also mention that i have 2 assignments due this week?
and another 2 the on the next one?
i swear school is a bitch.
i hate it increasingly with each passing day.